


The Illusionist

by TheWrongMoralCompass



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Remus, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Graphic, I love making our happy boy sad, PTSD(?), Roman Angst, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, heed the warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-06-27 04:18:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19783105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWrongMoralCompass/pseuds/TheWrongMoralCompass
Summary: Roman has always been known as the dramatic side The one to never be put down, the own to always get back up. But what if that was just an illusion?Roman has had a secret history with taking out his negative emotions out on himself, either by just hitting himself or taking the liberty to cut himself. The burden of his own negative emotions could not help Thomas, so why bother share them. The other sides start growing more worried for the Creative side, especially when he starts to seclude himself from the group. Especially when they find him on the ground of his bedroom with blood pouring from his wrists.





	1. The Illusionist

**Author's Note:**

> Yo I'm sorry lmao. My first post in the Sanders Sides fandom and its this? Wow.
> 
> This is literally just a venting post.

The first time Roman had ever intentionally hurt himself was after a fight with Logan, five years ago. They were arguing over which path Thomas should take with his education, and whether he should continue on with it or drop it all to fulfill his dreams. Of course Roman wanted what was best for Thomas, but it felt like right now he was hurting him. Although early in Thomas' online status, Roman had deemed his work as a failure, and that Logan had been right all along. Now just realizing it halfway through their argument.

"I can not grasp onto the idea of how you could willingly sacrifice the hours of work we spent on school to just drop it for what? A social platform. Your ideas are really lacking Roman! Stop thinking about yourself for once and start thinking about what could benefit our host." Logan spat out.

Roman's mind had gone quiet and all he could think about was to get out of there. Logan had a point, Roman needed to start benefiting Thomas. Roman's eyes welled up with hot tears as he sunk down into his room. In the safety of his own room he felt the urge to punish himself, for his inability to be vital for Thomas. It was so random that Roman didn't even believe it was his own thoughts, but then the persistency of those thoughts grew and were the only thoughts Roman had. The flood gates opened and soon Roman's face was a river of salty tear streaming down his own rosy cheeks.

Roman shakily brought his fist up and smacked his skull, so hard to where he thought he had seen his own vision become hazy. Roman winced at the impact, but the dulling pain helped ground him for some reason. Suddenly Roman had the urge to do it again. Then again. Then again. Until he had hit himself so hard to where he passed out while standing in the middle of his room post breakdown.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next five years, Roman has found another way of punishing himself. Cutting was very dangerous, Roman new that, but all types of self inflicted harm had their own pros and cons. The pros of this being it hurt more, and therefore was a greater punishment than just hitting his head. The cons being it was very visible, and the scars where permanent. Even being a imaginative facet of Thomas' personality, the effects of harming actions still presents themself. Roman could still gain scars just like how Patton could break a leg (not saying that he has)

Roman knew of the effects, the addiction to it. He knew the scars were permanent. Although Roman hides the scars and fresh cuts from his fellow sides and host, he doesn't particularly feel ashamed of them, but he knew the others would be ashamed of what Roman had done to his body. The more scars, the more better. He can look at the past punishments he has given himself and measure his growth, even though now Roman will just cut, not just because of a mistake prior. It felt like nicotine to him, addicting and dangerous. 

Recently Roman had felt low. Cutting hadn't done anything, and the usual numbness from it seemed to wear off. Instead of talking to someone about it, Roman just hid away in his room. Although he didn't want to duck out, he didn't want to be there. Roman's emotions had started taking a toll on Thomas, confusing the other sides when Thomas had started to become more increasingly depressed. Although Roman secluded himself, he didn't remain unseen. He would show up as extra as always to keep the illusion up. The other sides deemed no one depressed and just blamed one of the dark sides for the new spike of sadness, not knowing that the true culprit was standing right beside them, behind a cracking facade.

It was a particularly low day when Thomas had started to make a new Sanders Sides video. He didn't feel himself be summoned, but just in case he popped up. Roman made sure that before his dramatic appearance his scars and the fresh red slits on his arms were covered. Deeming himself ready he sunk down and entered Thomas' living room.

The beginning of the video had gone a little bumpy, but not too terribly. But that was before Remus had shown up. 

Roman and Remus have had a negative relationship for as long as they could remember, particularly caused by both being brothers and opposites. Remus, while weaker than Roman, found himself taking his anger out on his own brother. Creating a abusive relationship between the two. Any sight of his brother would give him waves of flashbacks of pervious beatings.

So when Remus had appeared and hit Roman over the had, you could probably tell Roman wasn't doing to great. Of course the pounding headache and growing welt on his head was one thing, but the sight of his dearly hated brother was worse. By one glimpse of Remus, Roman was already hyperventilating. His acting abilities had led the others on to believe he was ok for the end of the video, but truly he was not, he never was.

By the time Roman had popped up into his room he was weeping. Feet already taking him to the black box on his dresser. When Roman had realized what had happened subconsciously he sobbed more. He felt so pathetic. His shaking hands slowly opened the small wooden box, which housed a large razor, blood dried on the sharp edge. Roman reached forward and grabbed it, wasting no time.

(THIS WILL GET SUPER FREAKIN GRAPHIC!!! IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY LEFT IF YOURE UNCOMFORTABLE, DO SO NOW!!)

The shaking of Roman's nimble fingers hadn't lessened, but that didn't matter. His subconscious took over and soon he was pressing the sharpened point to his scarred arm. In one quick swipe, Roman's arm started to bleed. The cut wasn't the deepest he had made, but it sure did go down to atleast the muscle tissue. His faint veins underneath were visible and beating rapidly. Roman smiled at the relief. Quickly, Roman repeated this, moving up and down his arm until it was numb, switching to the other arm.

This continued on for a while untill he heard a knock at his door. The loss of blood had made him dizzy and hazy, but not completely. Roman ignored it and continued on. The knocking grew louder while Roman's cutting became more frantic. One particular knock was so loud that the shock of it had accidentally led Roman to cutting a vein. He looked down at his pale arm to find the severed vein squirting blood. His eyes widened in fear. 

"Shit!" Roman said.

The knocking stopped. "Roman are you ok?" Said one of the sides, presumably Patton. He was the most caring one.

"U-uh.. yeah?" Roman faintly said, the blood loss taking a toll on his speech and motor abilities.

"Roman, you haven't been out in two hours. Although it seems you may be working on a project, worrying displays of emotions are both being presented by Patton and Thomas. We have checked each side, Dark sides included, to find the perpetrator. The results have come up negative. You are the last side to check." Logan stated out.

Suddenly the group behind the doors heard a large thump and silence from Roman's side of the door.

"Guys.. I think he's in trouble." Virgil spoke up.

Patton looked worried. He then chocked out, "How will we get in there?" Logan looked at the questioning side.

"I have an idea." Promptly Logan ran body first into Roman's door, breaking the lock and slamming the door open.

As the door swung open, Virgil and Patton quickly ran into the room. Logan, although dizzy from the impact of the door had heard the other two sides gasp. He turned to face Virgil and Patton looking down at what seemed to be a body. At closer inspection that body had been Roman. And it was bleeding out fast. Patton let out a muffled sob as Virgil started to hyperventilate. 

Logan moved fast, conjuring up thick pieces of cloth to try and stop the rapidly bleeding side. Although it would seem Logan had no emotions, inside he was heart struck. How could one of his friends do this?

He worked quickly, leaving Virgil and Patton to themselves for the sake of their dying friend. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days later had passed and Roman had started to wake up. He opened his heavy eyes first, finding it difficult to open them for too long. He then tried to sit up, which was met but the hands of someone promoting him back down, gently. Roman tried to reach for the hand but found his arms stiff, looking down at them seeing them wrapped up was a strange thing indeed.

He squinted up and saw Patton and Virgil looking at him, while Logan was in front of him. Roman's confusion to where he was finally answered itself at the familiarity of the room he was in. He was in some sort of hospital.

Instead of asking what happened, Roman just cried. Expecting no one to comfort him in his own pity, Roman was shocked when he felt pairs of arms embrace him into a lose hug, being careful of his wounds.

He looked up and saw his three fellow sides with tears running down their faces, even Logans.

"We don't know why you did it, but it will get better. We love you kiddo." Patton sniffles out into Roman's shoulder.

Roman sobbed more into the embrace of his compani- no friends. They cared for him.

Although things weren't perfect, Roman knew that with the help of his famILY, he could get better. 

Nay, he will get better.


	2. Uncovered and Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by one of the comments on the first chapter. I didn't know where to take the last chapter so when they commented it gave me inspiration so thank you!!
> 
> Recovery and a little angst.

After the next couple days Roman stayed in the mind palace hospital monitored by Logan. After a few discussions, the other sides had all decided to participate Roman in therapy with Dr. Emile Picani. Roman agreed and soon saw that the therapy was bringing up his overall happiness.

Even Deceit would stop by sometimes and entertain Roman while the others were busy. 

Once Roman's wounds had completely healed, he headed home. The dreadful idea of entering his room after what had happened a few days prior heightened his already high amount of anxiety for being the creative side. Virgil, Logan, and Patton stood next to Roman while approaching his room.

Pausing in front of his door, Roman took a deep breath. He then promptly opens the door slowly, an audible creek being produced by the regal wooden door.

The sight of his room brought back a terrible flashbacks of his almost suicide. Roman took a step back and shuddered, being overwhelmed by many negative emotions. He suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned quickly to see Patton's encouraging smile.

Roman nodded and stepped forward past the door frame. On the carpet, there were slight stains of blood. Roman crouched down and touched the brown stain.

"Roman. Are you feeling alright? We can leave if you want to." Virgil calmly stated.

Roman shook his head, he'd have to face his room eventually. Roman's eyes started to tear, the reality of the stain set in. That was his blood. He had made that happened. It was his fault.

"Roman, may we touch you?" Logan said.

Roman nodded his head slowly, just wanting comfort from his family. As soon as he answered he was engulfed in six pairs of arms, each pairs of his fellow sides. Roman sobbed audibly, falling from his crouched position to his knees.

Patton nuzzled his head further into Roman's neck, somewhat relaxing Roman.

"I-I'm sorry guys. I shouldn't be this sensitive.." Roman whispered.

"Nonsense. You are no where near sensitive, and in fact, one of the bravest people I know." Logan stated whilst rubbing Roman's shoulders slowly. (It's not gay if it's angst)

Roman took a deep breath. "Yeah but I'm wasting your time. I shouldn't be your priority."

Patton butted in, "You are not wasting any of our times. We care for you and thats why we are prioritizing you and your well being right now kiddo! We are doing what is the most important thing, being there for you!"

"I don't deserve you guys." Roman whispered out, tears flowing freely down his face.

Virgil took his free hand and wiped Roman's tears away. "We don't deserve you, you big Disney loving theater geek."

Roman chuckled, his emotions finally calming down. Roman leaned his head back into Logans chest and Patton's arms, just simply enjoying the blessing he calls a family.

"You know that I love you guys so much right?" Roman said with a small smile on his face.

"We love you also Roman." Logan smiled down at him.

"Yeah kiddo we love you so much!!" Patton beamed while squeezing Roman in his arms tighter, giving him a kiss on the cheek. (Again not gay if it's angst 👀👀) Roman blushed a little at the affection.

"Yeah dork, we love you I guess." Virgil mumbled into Roman's shoulder, his hot breath tickling Roman and giving him goosebumps.

The sides soon fell asleep in each other's embrace, the calmness of Roman's room gave the eerie silence peace, deepening the sleep for each side.

They all slept happily knowing that they were all safe. They were all loved.

They were all part of a huge famILY, and they were always going to be there for each other, no matter what.

**Author's Note:**

> if you're crying, don't worry cause I did also. If you aren't, well then that's ok because that's you and your emotions and I can't change that.
> 
> Welp, see ya later guys, gals, and non-binary pals!!


End file.
